05/04/2008
Words. There are words that can save a life. Words end them and words that can change them. Like
waiting for the "Yes" in a proposal, sometimes, life feels like a elongated session of tension. Waiting to
hear the right words is a waste of a life....but what can you do?
05/05/2008
I miss my life...
05/09/2008
Walking around, living my life, I get tired. So so tired. The mask I wear gets heavier as the days go on.
The mask wearing grows old. Today is one of those days when I just don't care to wear one at all. I'm
not generally a happy person but my profession lends itself to me pretending to be. I lie to my friends. I
lie to my co-workers. I lie to myself. That's what hurts the most. No matter how much practice I have
in lying, I still can't convince myself. Not fully. I can't wear it. I just can't wear it. It takes SO MUCH
ENERGY to feign happiness and pleasantness and that i'm ok. So much energy.
The weight of loneliness sits on my head like a crown dripping of muck and sweat. It disturbs me and
makes me feel awkward in public. A hollow chest and racing mind is what i come home to. An
emptiness rivaled by the vastness of space. A blackness devoid of human contact somehow finds its way
in my home. In my heart. Alone. Again, so very alone.
05/12/2008
The world outside went silent. Its still there, just without audio. To be more specific, the vocals and
music have gone away, leaving the tapping, the scraping, the stepping and all the other mundane
sounds to be heard crystal clear. The hum of a fan as it cuts through the air. The typing on a keyboard.
The sound of skin pressing on skin. All now hold the stage as the belles of the ball.
People walking with me and passing by motion their mouths but words aren't heard. Sitting in my
chair, I try to read their lips but nothing translates. I nod my head and gesture in agreement, all in lie.
The silence is all I hear. The quiet proves my nightmare can come true. Being completely and utterly
alone, regardless of company.
Truth be told. That isn't the full extent of my nightmare. The world shutting off, I can live with. Many
a day, I've intentionally shut myself off from it. Its only fair that it does the same to me from time to
time. In this waking dream, though, one more level complicates. The world outside muted itself just as
my world inside disappeared. The voices that keep me company in the dead of night, in the empty
corners of my life, the friends that exist solely within myself, the voices are gone. The voices that
confirm for me that my feet are on solid ground, not cracking as i think. Those voices have
disappeared. My constant companions, my foil and my debaters, my consciences and my devils, they all
have abandoned me for calmer seas. Greener pastures. All those other cliché sayings that, in the end,
simply mean they're gone. Like being color-blind for hearing, I scratch at the walls to make sound. To
remind myself that I'm still tangible.
My worlds outside and in have betrayed me. Left me to fend for myself. I am without inflection,
intonation, context, conversation and all the other things that make a psych major get out of bed in
the morning. My worlds are quiet and the silence is pain. It burns the air out of the room. It is being
alone in the truest sense of the phrase. It is my nightmare.
05/15/2008
We vibe. Our wavelengths match so well we cancel each other's noise and simply are. There are just a
few points of contention. The big one is obvious. Where she is full of life, she finds the reason to step
beyond her sadness and such, i am not that kind of person. I think about water and find myself
drowning. I imagine fire and burn from the inside out. That being said, when loneliness or
self-loathing enter the picture, the well I fall into has no bottom and the walls, no texture to grab for.
Although my life is not in ruin, my day to day is not unmanageable, there's always me....and that's just
not good enough.
05/19/2008
A couple of nights ago, my friend had a dream. Apparently, i was wasting away, not acting like myself
and eventually forced myself on her. Not the kind of dream-character you necessarily want to hear your
friend say you're playing. I'm hoping she saw something in a movie, the news or something before
going to bed. Without explanation, my over-active (paranoia &) imagination leads me to think this is
what she thinks of me subconsciously. At least a part of her. Kinda very seriously scary. . . and sad.
05/21/2008
The hours slip through my fingers like the air of a breeze. Intangible and clear. Noticeable but brief.
Before long, a day has come and gone.
05/24/2008
I am made of granite, strong but not everlasting. As the years weather upon me, I can see my skin peel
off, the weakening of my resolve. I tire of standing in this pose. I tire of looking in this direction. I tire
of looking. I know i'm going to fall apart. Its inevitable. All things that stand fall. All things that fall
crumble to dust. All things of dust eventually disappear.
05/26/2008
Simple commentary today. I fucked up my leg while i slept last night. Bruised my angle right-ugly.
Somehow, this translated to a hamstring and lower-back pain that wouldn't go away. I wrapped the
ankle and the stretched the rest. Its either the stretching or the tylenol i downed but i think i'm gonna
survive the night :P I just hope it all goes away tomorrow....
05/28/2008
In a city of millions. In a room of dozens, a man stands up. He is seen but not noticed. This is how he
likes it most of the time. Putting foot in front of foot, watching the space between his feet shrink and
then lengthen. His weight pressuring heel to toe. Step. Step. Step. The man looks up and turns. His
footsteps invisible to the world. Turning again to look ahead, the racing in his mind pauses. He
forgets. In a moment, he doesn't know what prompted him to stand, to walk. In that moment, he had
no purpose, he had no reason, he had no reason. It was then that he disappeared. Noticed or not, he is
gone.
06/09/2008
My dreams do not know me. They do not own me. They are unaware of my strengths and my
weaknesses. When I walk on the field, they are forgetful of the last time we played. Luckily for my
dream, I don't hide myself well. Almost immediately, they know how to react to me, how to lead me
on......
06/11/2008
Waking up. Eyes, disoriented from switching from dream to reality. Mind following suit. A smile came
over my face as everything settled. It was the right way to wake up. Now, if only it was real....
06/18/2008
I know that scent. I know that scent. A mix of lavender and something else. Soap and a hint of
perfume. I roll my eyes, remembering why I know it. Why I remember. Soft and sweet and a little bit
floral. And.... gone. Looking around, whomever it was who wore that scent has disappeared. Walked on.
A lighter shade of purple in a velvet flag or blanket passed by my eyes. A memory. A warmth. All
disappear when I open my eyes.
Unseen but unforgettable.
06/29/2008
My eyes burn. They want to crack like the pavement on the hundredth day of an Arizona summer.
They've seen too much. They've given the information to an unwilling brain, scratching to get out.
Realization and rationalization and nothing makes sense while everything makes sense. Too much
sense. Logic is lost. Emotion is useless. I'm so tired of seeing, looking, seeking, dying. Every little
moment a death unto itself. So so tired. I want to learn to sleep with my eyes open ... since they won't
shut closed anymore.
Words. There are words that can save a life. Words end them and words that can change them. Like
waiting for the "Yes" in a proposal, sometimes, life feels like a elongated session of tension. Waiting to
hear the right words is a waste of a life....but what can you do?
05/05/2008
I miss my life...
05/09/2008
Walking around, living my life, I get tired. So so tired. The mask I wear gets heavier as the days go on.
The mask wearing grows old. Today is one of those days when I just don't care to wear one at all. I'm
not generally a happy person but my profession lends itself to me pretending to be. I lie to my friends. I
lie to my co-workers. I lie to myself. That's what hurts the most. No matter how much practice I have
in lying, I still can't convince myself. Not fully. I can't wear it. I just can't wear it. It takes SO MUCH
ENERGY to feign happiness and pleasantness and that i'm ok. So much energy.
The weight of loneliness sits on my head like a crown dripping of muck and sweat. It disturbs me and
makes me feel awkward in public. A hollow chest and racing mind is what i come home to. An
emptiness rivaled by the vastness of space. A blackness devoid of human contact somehow finds its way
in my home. In my heart. Alone. Again, so very alone.
05/12/2008
The world outside went silent. Its still there, just without audio. To be more specific, the vocals and
music have gone away, leaving the tapping, the scraping, the stepping and all the other mundane
sounds to be heard crystal clear. The hum of a fan as it cuts through the air. The typing on a keyboard.
The sound of skin pressing on skin. All now hold the stage as the belles of the ball.
People walking with me and passing by motion their mouths but words aren't heard. Sitting in my
chair, I try to read their lips but nothing translates. I nod my head and gesture in agreement, all in lie.
The silence is all I hear. The quiet proves my nightmare can come true. Being completely and utterly
alone, regardless of company.
Truth be told. That isn't the full extent of my nightmare. The world shutting off, I can live with. Many
a day, I've intentionally shut myself off from it. Its only fair that it does the same to me from time to
time. In this waking dream, though, one more level complicates. The world outside muted itself just as
my world inside disappeared. The voices that keep me company in the dead of night, in the empty
corners of my life, the friends that exist solely within myself, the voices are gone. The voices that
confirm for me that my feet are on solid ground, not cracking as i think. Those voices have
disappeared. My constant companions, my foil and my debaters, my consciences and my devils, they all
have abandoned me for calmer seas. Greener pastures. All those other cliché sayings that, in the end,
simply mean they're gone. Like being color-blind for hearing, I scratch at the walls to make sound. To
remind myself that I'm still tangible.
My worlds outside and in have betrayed me. Left me to fend for myself. I am without inflection,
intonation, context, conversation and all the other things that make a psych major get out of bed in
the morning. My worlds are quiet and the silence is pain. It burns the air out of the room. It is being
alone in the truest sense of the phrase. It is my nightmare.
05/15/2008
We vibe. Our wavelengths match so well we cancel each other's noise and simply are. There are just a
few points of contention. The big one is obvious. Where she is full of life, she finds the reason to step
beyond her sadness and such, i am not that kind of person. I think about water and find myself
drowning. I imagine fire and burn from the inside out. That being said, when loneliness or
self-loathing enter the picture, the well I fall into has no bottom and the walls, no texture to grab for.
Although my life is not in ruin, my day to day is not unmanageable, there's always me....and that's just
not good enough.
05/19/2008
A couple of nights ago, my friend had a dream. Apparently, i was wasting away, not acting like myself
and eventually forced myself on her. Not the kind of dream-character you necessarily want to hear your
friend say you're playing. I'm hoping she saw something in a movie, the news or something before
going to bed. Without explanation, my over-active (paranoia &) imagination leads me to think this is
what she thinks of me subconsciously. At least a part of her. Kinda very seriously scary. . . and sad.
05/21/2008
The hours slip through my fingers like the air of a breeze. Intangible and clear. Noticeable but brief.
Before long, a day has come and gone.
05/24/2008
I am made of granite, strong but not everlasting. As the years weather upon me, I can see my skin peel
off, the weakening of my resolve. I tire of standing in this pose. I tire of looking in this direction. I tire
of looking. I know i'm going to fall apart. Its inevitable. All things that stand fall. All things that fall
crumble to dust. All things of dust eventually disappear.
05/26/2008
Simple commentary today. I fucked up my leg while i slept last night. Bruised my angle right-ugly.
Somehow, this translated to a hamstring and lower-back pain that wouldn't go away. I wrapped the
ankle and the stretched the rest. Its either the stretching or the tylenol i downed but i think i'm gonna
survive the night :P I just hope it all goes away tomorrow....
05/28/2008
In a city of millions. In a room of dozens, a man stands up. He is seen but not noticed. This is how he
likes it most of the time. Putting foot in front of foot, watching the space between his feet shrink and
then lengthen. His weight pressuring heel to toe. Step. Step. Step. The man looks up and turns. His
footsteps invisible to the world. Turning again to look ahead, the racing in his mind pauses. He
forgets. In a moment, he doesn't know what prompted him to stand, to walk. In that moment, he had
no purpose, he had no reason, he had no reason. It was then that he disappeared. Noticed or not, he is
gone.
06/09/2008
My dreams do not know me. They do not own me. They are unaware of my strengths and my
weaknesses. When I walk on the field, they are forgetful of the last time we played. Luckily for my
dream, I don't hide myself well. Almost immediately, they know how to react to me, how to lead me
on......
06/11/2008
Waking up. Eyes, disoriented from switching from dream to reality. Mind following suit. A smile came
over my face as everything settled. It was the right way to wake up. Now, if only it was real....
06/18/2008
I know that scent. I know that scent. A mix of lavender and something else. Soap and a hint of
perfume. I roll my eyes, remembering why I know it. Why I remember. Soft and sweet and a little bit
floral. And.... gone. Looking around, whomever it was who wore that scent has disappeared. Walked on.
A lighter shade of purple in a velvet flag or blanket passed by my eyes. A memory. A warmth. All
disappear when I open my eyes.
Unseen but unforgettable.
06/29/2008
My eyes burn. They want to crack like the pavement on the hundredth day of an Arizona summer.
They've seen too much. They've given the information to an unwilling brain, scratching to get out.
Realization and rationalization and nothing makes sense while everything makes sense. Too much
sense. Logic is lost. Emotion is useless. I'm so tired of seeing, looking, seeking, dying. Every little
moment a death unto itself. So so tired. I want to learn to sleep with my eyes open ... since they won't
shut closed anymore.
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