03/01/2008 p1
This is the beginning of my first long weekend for myself. What have I done? I attempted to paint and
failed. I whited out two canvases only to find myself unable to "see" what should be there. Its like an
artistic impotence, performance anxiety with no one watching. An angel is erased and a girl left alone.
Empty space just stares back at her as she looks over her shoulder. Elsewhere, the memory of a
beautiful girl is hidden from sight. Remnants remain but she's just a ghost, faded behind a veil-like
snowstorm. People wear masks to hide who they are. They pretend to be that which they are not....or at
least, not yet. Maybe holding the mask up to your face long enough sticks just like our mothers told us.
That would be....interesting.
03/01/2008 p2
Dreams are amusing. I'm FINALLY getting a handle on mine. FINALLY getting a semblance of control
again. Maybe its a reflection of my waking days. Maybe its the anticipation of this psuedo-vacation i'm
taking. For the first time in months, she wasn't the focus. I was :P
03/02/2008 p1
Seriously? Did I just do that? How ....i don't even know what the word is. Arrogant? Weak? Blatant?
Bored? Ok, someone help me out here. What's the word i'm looking for?
03/02/2008 p2
We're on different frequencies now. Every now and again, a connection is clear enough that we can
converse and laugh. Most of the time, words are spoken and left unheard due to static. We're both
reading from the same pages of the script but don't know when our queues are. What to do? What to
do?
03/03/2008
The air isn't so thick here. Altitude and attitude and all those things that keep us from meeting. Why
do hands never meet? Why do eyes look away? Why does the fire not touch me the way it used to?
When you're broken in so many places, do you just jump for the sake of jumping?
03/04/2008
The magic hour has passed. I've gone a hair beyond my inspirational time of day and am now fading
into the obsessive, possessive, paranoid-schizo kinda mode. This is the worst time of day for me to be
on a computer so i'm getting off. 4:03am. Decision time, do I sleep or just stay awake....
03/05/2008
Its the little things I miss. This weekend, i got to re-acquaint myself with some of those. It was great.
Made myself a pancake breakfast. Relaxed, reading a book while drinking green tea. Wrote random
rambles on this storage-facility of a website. Email a couple friends. Plot the utter and decisive doom of
a third world country....wait, no, that was just a movie I watched. Oh YA! I got to watch a movie. In
theatres no less. Its been MONTHS since I got to do that. Its all these little things that kind of remind
me of the bigger things I'm missing but its ok. At least I got some of the little things handled. I'll work
my way up to the big ones. Life doesn't hit like the big-bang after all. Its more like the fuse before
hand. The anticipation, the wanting, the better mouse-trap that it travels to get there..... ok, maybe i was
diggin' for metaphors there. Whatever.Tomorrow, I got back to work and see where the chips fall. I'm
relaxed. I'm rested. Someday, I'll be ready :P
03/06/2008 p1
There've been some changes here and I wanted you to know first. Heh, i got a raise. A promotion. This
should help out in the bills-factor of my day to days. I have a new person helping me out at work. This
should help me out in being to get away from the office from time to time. I finally know some people
who either share similar tastes in movies/music/stuff or are just all-around crazy like me. Its
comforting to say i've made friends. I've got people I trust here. I want to work on that. I'm trying to
build a life for myself and that's hard to do for me. I've never been the most social. I mean, c'mon. It's
one thirty in the morning and instead of hanging out with friends, doing something somewhere, i'm
sitting here writing to you.
Okay. As much as it pains me to admit this, a part of me will always love you and be there for you but i
really just need time away. I need to get a handle on my actual life. Time away from you. Hopefully,
you'll understand. Till next time...
03/06/2008 p2
I walk the crest of a sandy dune with the mid-day sun clearing all shadows from sight. In the distance, i
hear the ocean's waves and even smell the hint of saltwater in the air. Step after step, my feet bury into
the sand. Step after step, it gets harder to continue but i trek on. The distance hints of salvation
buthing is ever seen. For hours, up and down this sandy dune, i never reach this beach head. I never
see the blue of the water kissing the blue of the sky. Its a lie. "Its a mirage", i tell myself. My
imagination is strong and my will lets me believe it for the sole purpose of survival. Trapped in a
desert, with nothing but sand and sun, a man could easy fall prey to the isolation and give up. Lay
down and let the overwhelming sun take him. Release any burdens and just....stop.....walking.
Unfortunately, at this moment, that isn't me. My mind gives me just enough rope to hang myself. Just
enough to expect and be disappointed. And then, with a crushed spirit upon realizing the truth of it
all, fall down with out dignity or honor. For now, step after step, I live my lie and try to be fine with it.
03/06/2008 p3
I am awake. My eyes open to the world as it should have been seen. Rose colored lenses and fantasy
senses and all the hallucinations memory & imagination could conjure. They escape, they flee from me
like a animals from a large cat. They wash away as if the wall i'd protected myself with were made of
little more sand stacked high. Insurmountable diminished to walkable dune. Finally, with eyes that see,
I recognize that its not me.
In waking dreams, I know what I'm doing but here, things are less certain. In the distance, there is a
lullaby aching to reach my ears. To comfort and pacify. But that is the distance and I am here. In the
distance, i can see the path I had laid for myself and found the error in my plan. Namely, it was not my
own. Not consciously at least. In the distance, the path now seems clear. I was meant to be on it but i
realized that all this time, i'd been moving in the wrong direction.
All this time, i thought I was destined to go towards the light. Go towards warmth of the fading sun in
late afternoon. I thought the blinding day was just a test that need be endured to secure the prize. But
now that I'm awake, i remember MY truth. The sun burns me. I live in the shadows of a life. I thrive
on a level of darkness. It isn't until I embrace this along with others-like-minded that I will be honest
with myself of all people (i lie to him more often than others). The truth is simple and honest and
....right. The ease of understanding is like the weight a feather on my shoulder and the lie on the
sidelines lets me move forward much easier.
I am awake and hopefully walking the right direction. To stray would be an addict's next bottle, next
needle, next kiss. To stray or even turn around would be a disaster among many. I turn to look while
walking forward. I am awake but still longing. The dream is the lie and my eyes must break the
connection.
03/07/2008 p1
I look at the reflection in the brushed steel finish.
I know that its me, but its not.
There, I am the me of simple memory,
And that is just not enough.
I look in the eyes that don't look back.
The shadows hint at form.
With a gaze, hollow and knowing,
My heart no longer shown.
I look at the sky with love on my mind.
Love lost yet still known where,
Here I stand. Here I shall reside.
Away from my love I am here.
I look at my hands and remind myself I
Shalln't hold what I cannot see.
Those all around, the numbers a'bound
It is they who are with me.
03/07/2008 p2
Now, is when i remember of the lyrics to the song. The song was a lifetime ago. The words, made-up
words, are all that I know. They piece together in syllables forming nouns, forming adjectives...like
beautiful and undeniable charm. Here is when the pictures are strongest in memory. The song was the
soundtrack for a life spent inside. The photos in my mind, inside, show a truth I've avoided with
self-imposed lies. Again, remember the lines with the sounds that make up the words, the made-up
nouns, the beautifully charming dissociative claims. I am the me that knew the words that He as the
me grew into birds that flew away lovely like angels on wings of white ...and white. Then. Is when. I
remembered the why. Why the song was played out. Why the pictures were run. Why the story was
told. Why we are done.
This is the beginning of my first long weekend for myself. What have I done? I attempted to paint and
failed. I whited out two canvases only to find myself unable to "see" what should be there. Its like an
artistic impotence, performance anxiety with no one watching. An angel is erased and a girl left alone.
Empty space just stares back at her as she looks over her shoulder. Elsewhere, the memory of a
beautiful girl is hidden from sight. Remnants remain but she's just a ghost, faded behind a veil-like
snowstorm. People wear masks to hide who they are. They pretend to be that which they are not....or at
least, not yet. Maybe holding the mask up to your face long enough sticks just like our mothers told us.
That would be....interesting.
03/01/2008 p2
Dreams are amusing. I'm FINALLY getting a handle on mine. FINALLY getting a semblance of control
again. Maybe its a reflection of my waking days. Maybe its the anticipation of this psuedo-vacation i'm
taking. For the first time in months, she wasn't the focus. I was :P
03/02/2008 p1
Seriously? Did I just do that? How ....i don't even know what the word is. Arrogant? Weak? Blatant?
Bored? Ok, someone help me out here. What's the word i'm looking for?
03/02/2008 p2
We're on different frequencies now. Every now and again, a connection is clear enough that we can
converse and laugh. Most of the time, words are spoken and left unheard due to static. We're both
reading from the same pages of the script but don't know when our queues are. What to do? What to
do?
03/03/2008
The air isn't so thick here. Altitude and attitude and all those things that keep us from meeting. Why
do hands never meet? Why do eyes look away? Why does the fire not touch me the way it used to?
When you're broken in so many places, do you just jump for the sake of jumping?
03/04/2008
The magic hour has passed. I've gone a hair beyond my inspirational time of day and am now fading
into the obsessive, possessive, paranoid-schizo kinda mode. This is the worst time of day for me to be
on a computer so i'm getting off. 4:03am. Decision time, do I sleep or just stay awake....
03/05/2008
Its the little things I miss. This weekend, i got to re-acquaint myself with some of those. It was great.
Made myself a pancake breakfast. Relaxed, reading a book while drinking green tea. Wrote random
rambles on this storage-facility of a website. Email a couple friends. Plot the utter and decisive doom of
a third world country....wait, no, that was just a movie I watched. Oh YA! I got to watch a movie. In
theatres no less. Its been MONTHS since I got to do that. Its all these little things that kind of remind
me of the bigger things I'm missing but its ok. At least I got some of the little things handled. I'll work
my way up to the big ones. Life doesn't hit like the big-bang after all. Its more like the fuse before
hand. The anticipation, the wanting, the better mouse-trap that it travels to get there..... ok, maybe i was
diggin' for metaphors there. Whatever.Tomorrow, I got back to work and see where the chips fall. I'm
relaxed. I'm rested. Someday, I'll be ready :P
03/06/2008 p1
There've been some changes here and I wanted you to know first. Heh, i got a raise. A promotion. This
should help out in the bills-factor of my day to days. I have a new person helping me out at work. This
should help me out in being to get away from the office from time to time. I finally know some people
who either share similar tastes in movies/music/stuff or are just all-around crazy like me. Its
comforting to say i've made friends. I've got people I trust here. I want to work on that. I'm trying to
build a life for myself and that's hard to do for me. I've never been the most social. I mean, c'mon. It's
one thirty in the morning and instead of hanging out with friends, doing something somewhere, i'm
sitting here writing to you.
Okay. As much as it pains me to admit this, a part of me will always love you and be there for you but i
really just need time away. I need to get a handle on my actual life. Time away from you. Hopefully,
you'll understand. Till next time...
03/06/2008 p2
I walk the crest of a sandy dune with the mid-day sun clearing all shadows from sight. In the distance, i
hear the ocean's waves and even smell the hint of saltwater in the air. Step after step, my feet bury into
the sand. Step after step, it gets harder to continue but i trek on. The distance hints of salvation
buthing is ever seen. For hours, up and down this sandy dune, i never reach this beach head. I never
see the blue of the water kissing the blue of the sky. Its a lie. "Its a mirage", i tell myself. My
imagination is strong and my will lets me believe it for the sole purpose of survival. Trapped in a
desert, with nothing but sand and sun, a man could easy fall prey to the isolation and give up. Lay
down and let the overwhelming sun take him. Release any burdens and just....stop.....walking.
Unfortunately, at this moment, that isn't me. My mind gives me just enough rope to hang myself. Just
enough to expect and be disappointed. And then, with a crushed spirit upon realizing the truth of it
all, fall down with out dignity or honor. For now, step after step, I live my lie and try to be fine with it.
03/06/2008 p3
I am awake. My eyes open to the world as it should have been seen. Rose colored lenses and fantasy
senses and all the hallucinations memory & imagination could conjure. They escape, they flee from me
like a animals from a large cat. They wash away as if the wall i'd protected myself with were made of
little more sand stacked high. Insurmountable diminished to walkable dune. Finally, with eyes that see,
I recognize that its not me.
In waking dreams, I know what I'm doing but here, things are less certain. In the distance, there is a
lullaby aching to reach my ears. To comfort and pacify. But that is the distance and I am here. In the
distance, i can see the path I had laid for myself and found the error in my plan. Namely, it was not my
own. Not consciously at least. In the distance, the path now seems clear. I was meant to be on it but i
realized that all this time, i'd been moving in the wrong direction.
All this time, i thought I was destined to go towards the light. Go towards warmth of the fading sun in
late afternoon. I thought the blinding day was just a test that need be endured to secure the prize. But
now that I'm awake, i remember MY truth. The sun burns me. I live in the shadows of a life. I thrive
on a level of darkness. It isn't until I embrace this along with others-like-minded that I will be honest
with myself of all people (i lie to him more often than others). The truth is simple and honest and
....right. The ease of understanding is like the weight a feather on my shoulder and the lie on the
sidelines lets me move forward much easier.
I am awake and hopefully walking the right direction. To stray would be an addict's next bottle, next
needle, next kiss. To stray or even turn around would be a disaster among many. I turn to look while
walking forward. I am awake but still longing. The dream is the lie and my eyes must break the
connection.
03/07/2008 p1
I look at the reflection in the brushed steel finish.
I know that its me, but its not.
There, I am the me of simple memory,
And that is just not enough.
I look in the eyes that don't look back.
The shadows hint at form.
With a gaze, hollow and knowing,
My heart no longer shown.
I look at the sky with love on my mind.
Love lost yet still known where,
Here I stand. Here I shall reside.
Away from my love I am here.
I look at my hands and remind myself I
Shalln't hold what I cannot see.
Those all around, the numbers a'bound
It is they who are with me.
03/07/2008 p2
Now, is when i remember of the lyrics to the song. The song was a lifetime ago. The words, made-up
words, are all that I know. They piece together in syllables forming nouns, forming adjectives...like
beautiful and undeniable charm. Here is when the pictures are strongest in memory. The song was the
soundtrack for a life spent inside. The photos in my mind, inside, show a truth I've avoided with
self-imposed lies. Again, remember the lines with the sounds that make up the words, the made-up
nouns, the beautifully charming dissociative claims. I am the me that knew the words that He as the
me grew into birds that flew away lovely like angels on wings of white ...and white. Then. Is when. I
remembered the why. Why the song was played out. Why the pictures were run. Why the story was
told. Why we are done.
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