01/01/2008 p1
Homeward bound and bound to home, i trek this walk alone. In solitude's cold-comfort arms, i off but
tune still sounds fine. To my surprise, my eyes are clear and my soul is my own. I run to my home and
never step in.
01/01/2008 p2
The rules have changed.
Apparently, nothing we've been doing for the past couple years has really been working out.
Apparently, our way of doing things must have been skewed or outright wrong.
Here's an experiment. From now on, add a step before action. First think of what you would normally
say or do....then do or say the opposite. Lets see how this rolls out. How the responses end up.
Thank you, Dave, for helping me see straight and get my issues in line. Thanks for looking out for me.
Hopefully this plan works.
01/04/2008
Its 330am and i can't manage to sleep. Too many thoughts in my head. There was a time when this
was ideal but lately, there's just too much going on. I need to lessen the thought-count up there.
01/05/2008
Karma has its eye on me. I thought things were getting easier but I was wrong. A friend is dying. A
friend who never asked one thing of me while giving so much. I almost broke down on the phone
with his mother. I could barely form words.
Its hours later and all i can wish right now is to feel something. Anything. I read old letters to feel
love. I looked at old pictures to remember joy. I practice what i practice to feel focus. In the end,
everything comes back to a numb feeling where a 10 year old friendship lingers.
I'm going to go to him. He is my friend. But just not yet. Not yet.
01/06/2008
The veil falls to the ground and the only person who noticed was one who was wearing it. The walls
come up and sight restricted again. Visitation rights, maybe. Maybe there should be barbed wire fences.
Its been so long since I needed them, I can't recall. They're still in the shed somewhere.
Hands meet with a three inch thick slab of clear material between. Its a sandwich that knows not
warmth or affection.
Words are just that, words. They come and go and right now need to disappear...
01/13/2008
Ramble - Clint - Memorial page to my fallen comrade, my confidant, my friend...
01/17/2008
My god, she is beautiful. I can't find simpler words to express it. I look up to see her eyes and find
myself in awe. Captivated by a warm and welcoming smile, I pause to remember moments of joy and
love. Although those days have long since passed, the feeling remains. The memories remain. They
alone sustain me when longing for love. They serve as reminders to my heart that it does exist. Being
in her arms allows me to forget the pain I feel while hearing her voice (and comforting words) heals
me more than others could accomplish. I thanked the sky for giving light to see her. I thanked the
earth for holding me up when my knees threatened to falter. I thanked the wind for keeping her scent
close to me. And I thanked her for being with me.
01/18/2008
I opened a door today. Hopefully, my friend can walk through and reap the benefits that I had found
on this side. Some days, I wonder where I stand. Today is not one of those days. As with many
occasions, the day after a good day, I remember my feet and my mind. My heart, taking the backseat to
my thoughts. Today was all about my thoughts. My thoughts about helping Dave. My revelation about
my being another J to her S.
01/19/2008
I found some peace today. Spending time with Clint's family brought me a feeling of togetherness and
love that was new. There's something about common loss that brings us all together and that feeling is
what I needed.
I met Clint's fiancee for the first time today. I met his sister and brother and nephews and nieces .....
Swallowing what was left of my stoicism, tears fell freely as we all remembered my friend for the man
that he was and how he inevitably touched us all. The lessons we learned from knowing him and the
love we will always hold for him.
The memorial was in a Baptist church. They played a video of photos from his life. Afterwards, some
of us gathered at his old house, where his parents still lived. I was shown his "gear" and offered first
pick to take something that meant something to me. The one piece that stood out was the red katana
he had always kept pristine, never bringing it out to battle with the rest of the weaponry. In the end, i
felt the practice weapons were the best way i could continue Clint's legacy by training more people
and keeping up with my swordplay.
In the end, I read my memorial post to the small dinner party at Clint's aunt's house. It felt good to
release and share how I saw my friend. In the end, this day was a good day.
01/27/2008
When does the wheel stop turning? When does the ride slow down enough for us to look out the
window? Why can't we ever find our feet when we need them and only when its too late, realize they're
two feet deep in quicksand already?
"Never again!" This we cry each time it happens. "Never again!" We go through the motions before we
realize they ARE the motions. Before we recognize our feet in the sand, we step in to feel the
temperature. Habit? Instinct? In the end, its a suicidal attempt at feeling something that we all
desperately need. We're addicts for the rush of emotion and adrenaline. We crave the knowledge it
grants us, the shared experience.
One of these days, I need to separate myself from the WE. The rush calls but I need to be deaf. The
knowledge and memory exists in my mind but I need to forget. I need to stop the motions and get off
the ride, but in the end...in the end, I am blindfolded, tied to the roller coaster and can't see a way out.
01/28/2008
Call me a pessimist but the winds of change are blowing for the positive. Yes, i said pessimist. When
the future leans towards the positive, karmic balance demands a heavy hammer-swing in the other
direction. The pendulum keeps on moving and its only a matter of time before the up is over. See, i
told you, pessimism.
Then again, this is part of my motto...Karma always balances out good with bad so you have to learn to
recognize and appreciate the good while its there.
02/03/2008
Most of my dreams involve running. Running to, running from...either way, its running. Psychologists
would analyze and say that essentially, subconsciously, I can't handle what's going on in some aspect of
my life and just don't want to deal, thus I run. Escape. Flee.
A couple nights ago, i found myself standing in my dream. I was just waiting around for something to
happen. Amazingly enough, nothing did. No change. People walk by. Cars drive, buildings change, and
all while I just stood there.
I don't know if this means anything but standing around doesn't get anything done. At least with
running, there was a task. I don't do well with no purpose. I don't do well with boredom. I don't do
well devoid of human contact. I need to see change. I need hear the next note. I once heard a singer
say "I can hold a note forever but at some point it just becomes noise. We're really waiting for the
change."
Now comes the question that needs an honest answer. Do you know it? It goes as such...."What do I
change?" "Where am I running to?" "What is my purpose?"
Who knows. Maybe I'll figure it out and write it here someday...
Homeward bound and bound to home, i trek this walk alone. In solitude's cold-comfort arms, i off but
tune still sounds fine. To my surprise, my eyes are clear and my soul is my own. I run to my home and
never step in.
01/01/2008 p2
The rules have changed.
Apparently, nothing we've been doing for the past couple years has really been working out.
Apparently, our way of doing things must have been skewed or outright wrong.
Here's an experiment. From now on, add a step before action. First think of what you would normally
say or do....then do or say the opposite. Lets see how this rolls out. How the responses end up.
Thank you, Dave, for helping me see straight and get my issues in line. Thanks for looking out for me.
Hopefully this plan works.
01/04/2008
Its 330am and i can't manage to sleep. Too many thoughts in my head. There was a time when this
was ideal but lately, there's just too much going on. I need to lessen the thought-count up there.
01/05/2008
Karma has its eye on me. I thought things were getting easier but I was wrong. A friend is dying. A
friend who never asked one thing of me while giving so much. I almost broke down on the phone
with his mother. I could barely form words.
Its hours later and all i can wish right now is to feel something. Anything. I read old letters to feel
love. I looked at old pictures to remember joy. I practice what i practice to feel focus. In the end,
everything comes back to a numb feeling where a 10 year old friendship lingers.
I'm going to go to him. He is my friend. But just not yet. Not yet.
01/06/2008
The veil falls to the ground and the only person who noticed was one who was wearing it. The walls
come up and sight restricted again. Visitation rights, maybe. Maybe there should be barbed wire fences.
Its been so long since I needed them, I can't recall. They're still in the shed somewhere.
Hands meet with a three inch thick slab of clear material between. Its a sandwich that knows not
warmth or affection.
Words are just that, words. They come and go and right now need to disappear...
01/13/2008
Ramble - Clint - Memorial page to my fallen comrade, my confidant, my friend...
01/17/2008
My god, she is beautiful. I can't find simpler words to express it. I look up to see her eyes and find
myself in awe. Captivated by a warm and welcoming smile, I pause to remember moments of joy and
love. Although those days have long since passed, the feeling remains. The memories remain. They
alone sustain me when longing for love. They serve as reminders to my heart that it does exist. Being
in her arms allows me to forget the pain I feel while hearing her voice (and comforting words) heals
me more than others could accomplish. I thanked the sky for giving light to see her. I thanked the
earth for holding me up when my knees threatened to falter. I thanked the wind for keeping her scent
close to me. And I thanked her for being with me.
01/18/2008
I opened a door today. Hopefully, my friend can walk through and reap the benefits that I had found
on this side. Some days, I wonder where I stand. Today is not one of those days. As with many
occasions, the day after a good day, I remember my feet and my mind. My heart, taking the backseat to
my thoughts. Today was all about my thoughts. My thoughts about helping Dave. My revelation about
my being another J to her S.
01/19/2008
I found some peace today. Spending time with Clint's family brought me a feeling of togetherness and
love that was new. There's something about common loss that brings us all together and that feeling is
what I needed.
I met Clint's fiancee for the first time today. I met his sister and brother and nephews and nieces .....
Swallowing what was left of my stoicism, tears fell freely as we all remembered my friend for the man
that he was and how he inevitably touched us all. The lessons we learned from knowing him and the
love we will always hold for him.
The memorial was in a Baptist church. They played a video of photos from his life. Afterwards, some
of us gathered at his old house, where his parents still lived. I was shown his "gear" and offered first
pick to take something that meant something to me. The one piece that stood out was the red katana
he had always kept pristine, never bringing it out to battle with the rest of the weaponry. In the end, i
felt the practice weapons were the best way i could continue Clint's legacy by training more people
and keeping up with my swordplay.
In the end, I read my memorial post to the small dinner party at Clint's aunt's house. It felt good to
release and share how I saw my friend. In the end, this day was a good day.
01/27/2008
When does the wheel stop turning? When does the ride slow down enough for us to look out the
window? Why can't we ever find our feet when we need them and only when its too late, realize they're
two feet deep in quicksand already?
"Never again!" This we cry each time it happens. "Never again!" We go through the motions before we
realize they ARE the motions. Before we recognize our feet in the sand, we step in to feel the
temperature. Habit? Instinct? In the end, its a suicidal attempt at feeling something that we all
desperately need. We're addicts for the rush of emotion and adrenaline. We crave the knowledge it
grants us, the shared experience.
One of these days, I need to separate myself from the WE. The rush calls but I need to be deaf. The
knowledge and memory exists in my mind but I need to forget. I need to stop the motions and get off
the ride, but in the end...in the end, I am blindfolded, tied to the roller coaster and can't see a way out.
01/28/2008
Call me a pessimist but the winds of change are blowing for the positive. Yes, i said pessimist. When
the future leans towards the positive, karmic balance demands a heavy hammer-swing in the other
direction. The pendulum keeps on moving and its only a matter of time before the up is over. See, i
told you, pessimism.
Then again, this is part of my motto...Karma always balances out good with bad so you have to learn to
recognize and appreciate the good while its there.
02/03/2008
Most of my dreams involve running. Running to, running from...either way, its running. Psychologists
would analyze and say that essentially, subconsciously, I can't handle what's going on in some aspect of
my life and just don't want to deal, thus I run. Escape. Flee.
A couple nights ago, i found myself standing in my dream. I was just waiting around for something to
happen. Amazingly enough, nothing did. No change. People walk by. Cars drive, buildings change, and
all while I just stood there.
I don't know if this means anything but standing around doesn't get anything done. At least with
running, there was a task. I don't do well with no purpose. I don't do well with boredom. I don't do
well devoid of human contact. I need to see change. I need hear the next note. I once heard a singer
say "I can hold a note forever but at some point it just becomes noise. We're really waiting for the
change."
Now comes the question that needs an honest answer. Do you know it? It goes as such...."What do I
change?" "Where am I running to?" "What is my purpose?"
Who knows. Maybe I'll figure it out and write it here someday...
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